The Dance of Marriage

It's my 9 year wedding anniversary today.

I'm kind of up in arms about it, actually. In fact I'm having trouble swallowing even as I see these words take shape on my computer screen. We are talking about nearly a decade here, folks. That's 3,285 days. 78,840 hours. In my book, that's
just plain and simple a LONG TIME to be institutionalized, no matter how good the food.

I am, at once, the biggest proponent and the biggest critic of marriage.

On the one hand I feel as proud as if I'd just completed the Tour De France (which, for me, is a feat I render utterly legendary) and on the other hand I find myself shaking my head in a state of half-horror and whispering, "oh lordie, what have I gotten myself into?"

Tell me you've never had this thought before.

I'm not a gifted candidate for marriage and my husband will be the first to endorse that statement. Through the years we've spent many a night at our kitchen table negotiating the terms of our marriage and that's probably why we fall asleep together every night in spoon formation...instead of miles apart with a blanket of silence covering all things left unsaid. Things don't go unsaid in our marriage. Even things that are hard to hear but need to be said simply because they are the truth.

A few years ago I went to Italy by myself for a month. Needed space. Needed perspective. Needed to remember how it feels to travel alone and meet other people in the context of being just Bronwen as an individual. I needed to rely only on myself instead of the comfort/ease of relying on a partner. My girlfriend said, "I can't believe your husband is letting you go alone, my husband would NEVER let me." I remember feeling a rush of gratitude that we'd negotiated not needing permission from each other to go out and do something that was really important. That I was dropped off and picked up at the airport by my husband who had a hug for me at both times.

Needs are different than wants. If we don't assert our needs, how are we supposed to get them met? If we don't negotiate for our wants aren't we settling for less? I'm certainly not suggesting we deserve to get everything we want in life, I do recognize the value in compromise but isn't negotiation a critical component to compromise?

I can't name a single married person (no pun intended) who would claim that having a healthy and fulfilling marriage comes really easily. In fact, I wouldn't even put the words 'fulfilling' and 'marriage' and 'easy' together in the same sentence. And if you're like me, whose idea of a "fulfilling" marriage means that it's wildly adventurous and passionately steamy and comfortingly secure and highly romantic and bedrock stable and deeply loving and humorously joyful and intellectually and emotionally challenging and unquestionably committed and radically honest and spectacularly fun.....well...you can understand why some nights at the kitchen table it's my husband shaking his head saying, "oh lordie, what have I gotten myself into?" Our wedding day, Santa Fe, NM 2000

This week my parents are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary on a six day backpacking trip in the north cascades of Washington. I kneel down before them in full prostrate bow.

I'm baffled by marriage and the more I talk to people about it, I find that they are baffled too! I don't have any alternate lifetime partnership models to recommend but with a divorce rate of 50% or higher, I am suggesting some modifications to the current institution in the spirit of upping the statistics. Updates if you will. Perhaps grandfather in a clause that all wives take mandatory yearly trips to Italy alone. Any takers on that, girls?


I mostly love being married and I certainly love my husband like I love no other human on the planet. And for today, I'm going to focus on that.
Bronwen

Putting the Hammer Down

Recently, upon completion of a long ride, my husband paid me the compliment of the century.

"Your really putting the hammer down, Bron."

Among our cycling friends, Mike's nickname is Lance and it isn't because he has the same hair cut if you catch my drift. So if in fact Bron truly was "putting the hammer down," as Lance allegedly claimed, well that's just not a compliment to shake a stick at.

disclaimer: I do realize that ending a sentence with a preposition is a big NO-NO in the Lodato family but "at which to shake a stick" just doesn't SOUND good!

I've invented a little game I call 'cat and mouse' (yeah, thanks it's original). I start out on a ride about 10 minutes before Lance (the cat) and we see how long it takes him to catch up with me (the mouse). For some reason the fact that I know I've got a good little lead on him and that HE WILL eventually catch me actually makes me ride harder! Just that modicum of fear that the next time I peer over my shoulder, he very well may be barreling around the bend, legs pumping, a determined grin on his face--literally drives me to "put the hammer down, " if you will.

Seems, not unlike most three year olds I know, I like being chased.

It occurs to me too what a huge motivator fear is in life. I make a daily conscious practice of not making ANY DECISIONS based on fear and yet isn't fear a critical component of risk taking? What makes a risk a risk if not for the element of fear? Might there be a way to use our fear to positively motivate us instead of paralyze us? To help us "put the hammer down" when we really need to?

I'm starting to think about other areas of my life that could benefit from some "putting down of the hammer." For now, I'm gonna work on increasing the amount time before the cat catches the mouse. Makes for a good chase.
Bronwen

Change is good...but making it sure ain't easy

Have you ever had a lover that made you feel simultaneously:
a. like you were shooting 100 cc's of dopamine 3x daily between meals and
b. like you were trying on the same damn pair of shoes over and over and over only to remember that they are a 1/2 size off

Well that's how I feel about my town right now. I'm not kiddin', it's downright tempestuous.

Honest to god I complain about dressing head to toe in wool all summer, I complain that I can't see my mailbox through the soupy fog, I complain that waiting in line at Whole Foods for 15 minutes is JUST TOO LONG and that with every second I spend in traffic so grid-locked I don't move out of first gear, the very essence of my small-town girl soul is slowly ebbing with the retreating tide.

For all intents and purposes, it's time for a change.

And then, magically, the sun comes out and I've instantly forgiven my town for any trespasses against me I've ever claimed. Gone. Irretrievable. The fog ain't all that bad. Traffic? It's a meditation. Chilly? It's good for my Pitta firey dosha...balances me. Yep, everything is just hunky dorey here in the beautiful San Francisco Bay Area.

Recently, my husband Mike and I had a naked gun day. We call them naked gun days because of that movie from the 80's where the couple is shown dining out, going on cruises, taking walks in the mountains, touring museums, on a train in the countryside...and you think it is the span of like a three year relationship but it is actually just one afternoon? Well we occasionally (ahem, often) have naked gun days here in the Bay Area and they remind us of all the reasons why so many people LOVE living here.

We started out on our road bikes from our house in the Berkeley Hills and we rode down the hill to the little local farmer's market in our neighborhood to have a quick fresh-baked pastry and shot of espresso. Fueled up for the first leg of our ride we took the bay trail along the shore where kite boarders hung suspended beneath colorful sails and just the tips of buildings were becoming visible across the bay in San Francisco as the morning fog began its slow daily retreat. We rode as close to the bay bridge as possible then hopped on BART, peeled off our first layers of wool and got off at the first San Francisco stop where we emerged from underground smack dab into the middle of the Gay Pride Parade in full swing.

Perhaps it's just the nature of Gay Pride Parades everywhere but they are a spectacle to be reckoned with! There were whips, chains, leather dusters with nothing underneath, large breasted women, small breasted women, one-breasted women, piercings in all imaginable locations, men that were half-women, women that were half-men, steel contraptions affixed to penises in all shapes, colors and sizes, long term married couples with children, politicians and celebrities flying rainbow flags, old folks, infants, fluffy pink bunny suits with giant Samoan men inside them, 80 year old women riding banana seat bikes with nothing on but crowns...you get the idea. People-watching at its finest.


From there we rode along the Embarcadero to the ferry building for a late morning snack of oysters on the half shell, sparkling lemonade and a quick sunshine session (get it while you can!) and then made our way along Crissy Field and over the Golden Gate Bridge. From there we rode a heart-stoppingly gorgeous 30 mile loop along the coast and through the Marin Headlands before making our way back home to Berkeley, stopping only for a fabulous early supper at a hip cafe near our house. We arrived back at our house sunburned, windburned, fogburned and with that delicious tired feeling you get after a really fun day. Or as my niece says, "rhully rhully fun."

Perhaps because since leaving my home in Washington State for college, I've never until now lived anywhere for 8 consecutive years and I've actually had time to develop a deep love for the Bay Area. The kind of love that makes you forget, in one instant, that you had any complaints the moment before. The kind of love that, on good days, makes your heart swell to the point of bursting and on bad days swear that Omaha, Nebraska really is where it's at.





I listened to myself tell a friend the other day..."change is good"...and I felt like an imposter. Like I was posing as someone who actually practices what she preaches.

Oh sure, I'm a huge fan of radical change and I do believe with all my heart that change IS good. But does it make it any easier? I'm having trouble making change and it's all because I live somewhere that I simultaneously love wildly and would love to leave.


If I do ever leave, I'll certainly be leaving my heart in San Francisco....at least a big piece. But isn't that what it's all about?
Bronwen

Balance....The Eternal Quest

Michael (my hub) walks the line. Phra Nang Beach, Railay, Thailand 3/09

I have a confession.

I seem to have accidentally slipped and fallen in love.

In fact, slipping and falling is literally what I've been doing for the past two weeks and I don't think it'd be a stretch to say that I'm borderline obsessed. You see, I'm learning to slackline.

Slackline, the art of dynamic balance. It is akin to tight rope and high wire but uses tubular nylon webbing. Rope walking of one form or another has been around for at least a couple thousand years but has always been the realm of acrobats and daredevils. This is no longer the case. A slackline revolution is brewing and I'm joining the ranks!

Clearly, finding balance is the eternal quest.

Andy and Bron admire Jenny's aptitude for pregnant-slacking in Tonsai

Google "finding balance" and you'll become exhausted by the number of pages that come up. We practice yoga to balance our stress from living in a society which places too much importance on work and not enough importance on play. We take primrose oil to balance our hormones. Women resist motherhood because finding a healthy balance of career and family seem so unfathomable (ahem, not mentioning any names here...)

We all have our own forms of meditation. Things to quiet the chatter in our minds. Look within. Slow the breath and heart rate. A vehicle for non-negotiable concentration and absolute focus.

Bron hitting her stride (peanut gallery on sidelines, sipping Singha and critiquing)

Slacklining is a challenge that will never cease to humble you and
simultaneously make you feel like you own the world.


It's been a long time since I discovered something that makes me feel quite like I do when I'm walking the line. Slacklining brings me one wobbly step closer to that seemingly elusive thing we call balance.
Bronwen